She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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