Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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