You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
