I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
