If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
