Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
