well I can't set my house on fire every night
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
