Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
