why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
