I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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