Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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