the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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