bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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