I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
