Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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