kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I need water and some morals
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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