it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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