Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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