I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
