I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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