Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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