Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
