I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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