The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
