you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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