You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
