I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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