wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
