toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
