I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
