dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
