My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
