i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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