I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
the liver wants what the liver wants
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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