Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
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