So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
