6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This baby is an asshole
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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