when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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