I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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