Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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