First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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