I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
