I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize