watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
