4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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