On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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