Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
