Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
