I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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