I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She needs sedatives and a leash
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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