Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
