Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
