how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
