The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
