I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
