Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
why do cheetos always look like penises
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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