Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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