nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
