How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
