Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
