Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
