The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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