All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
