jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
