I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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